finding my way.

My mother said she felt a deep sadness and loss for years after leaving Japan.

I suppose she felt disconnected, culturally imbalanced, and terribly lonely. How could anyone understand her feelings? How could anyone understand how or why she left her heart in Japan? Empathy does not translate well in every situation.

Everyone always talks about culture shock....how hard it is to move to another country, accept its culture, adapt to its sway, understand its people. However, we never mention nor ponder the reverse effects of this transitional state. Sometimes it's not the transition into a new culture that presents difficulties; rather, it's the upheaval and instability of transitioning back to a culture that you were once accustomed to that presents the dreaded frustrations of alienation and social misunderstandings and discord.

I love my home, my family, and my country, but I am not ready to return. However, there are times home beckons when the heart does not.

Some nights I cry to release frustrations; other nights I wallow in anger; and there are nights I retire to reality and take a long, deep breath.

Leaving China means abandoning a good portion of myself and my happiness. It requires me to do as my mother once did: to misplace myself in a hope to one day return.

I know many people will read this and think I am ridiculous. And, that is okay.

But, it is important to remember that roots do require us to remain grounded....they simply give us foundation, allowing us to grow in the direction we choose. North Carolina is my base, but it will not always remain my home. This is why I ache...why I cry...China has become my home--my heart.

But, despair does no one any good. Instead, I try to enjoy everything everyday--knowing I will soon leave it all.

I try to remind myself of those few words I love so much, but struggle to accept:

"I’m through with trying to fight the things I don’t understand
Accept my sweet surrender to the greater, better plan"*

It is seven o'clock; the sun is descending; the mountains peacefully loom behind the large clock tower outside my window. Learning to say goodbye means acknowledging every detail. Details are the small things that connect lonely hearts to happy feelings. May I remember enough details to help me remain content until I return.

*From Polly Paulusma's song, "She Moves in Secret Ways"